Dark night of the Soul
Sooner or later, almost all of us go through a period when our mind feeds us most ugly scary thoughts, when nothing makes sense or seems worth it, when we feel trapped or imprisoned in circumstances or inner states that don’t seem likely to ever change.
Have you been there? Or maybe you are going through it now?
I’ve been there 7 years ago and to a lesser extent 2 years ago.
For some people it comes once, for others many times in their lifetime. Most of my friends have been through it.
These are very potent times on everyone’s path that are not to be underestimated.
7 years ago it meant for me a full crash of all values, which felt like a huge inner “disaster”. I found myself in depression. DE-PRESSION literally means “removing pressure”. Pressure we put on ourselves. In that state, I could not and also did not want to do anything anymore that had a meaning for me before. I felt totally confused, desperate, helpless, not understood.
“You have it all and even more than most people have: a well-paid job, a great loving partner, a beautiful loft in the middle of the city, opportunities to travel the world, and you are not happy?”, others would tell me. And all I could respond was: “You can take it all because it has no value or meaning for me anymore.”
At that time I painfully realized that I did not know WHO I was.
I was a daughter, an HR professional, a girlfriend, a dancer, a friend, etc., but who I was outside of all these roles I had no clue. Depression brought me to a state where I was no longer interested to entertain any of these roles. It also felt too tight to be locked in these concepts with all its “should’s” and “should not’s”. Locked by myself as I would later find out.
I did not know back then that I was the one who imprisoned myself and it was therefore me who had the key to free myself. What an interesting game of consciousness!
What helped me back then and what guided me eventually to a new transformed state was staying with my deep longing to see the truth, to know who I am. I desired nothing else. I would have given everything to see the truth. And so I followed that longing unapologetically. It was a matter of life and death for me.
From the human perspective, I destroyed some people’s expectations, including my back then partner’s vision for us. He could not relate what I was going through and also went through a painful period of confusion seeing me like that and us eventually separating. Some friends were judging me, taking distance, telling me that I went nuts while I was taking some radical decisions. I cut many ties which felt like a burden. Only a couple of people were left who did not run away from me or whom I did not leave behind. We are still relating till this day and we probably will for many more years.
I see that this "dark" state is for many people a necessary step for their awakening. It's somewhere natural. It used to be called a mid-life crisis, but because time accelerated many don't need to wait till their 40's to experience it.
When I see people today in this state, I celebrate for them, because I know what a Gift this “crash of everything” holds for them. What a deeply potent time it is. I pray for them to be courageous enough to stay with their longing.
Dark nights of the soul is a process which I compare to a seed which is thrown into the mud. The seed only has seen warmth and light since its birth until now, and suddenly it’s being thrown into the unknown dark cold humid mud. With the time, it will find itself being transformed into a sprout that will push through the crust of the mud and will see the sun light again, but in a new transformed state. It will no longer be the seed as it knew itself. It will continue growing and with the time it will bear fruits and share them with others.
Nurture your longing, respond to it, because it carries the seed of your transformation. Be patient and trust.
About us:
Dylan and I met in May of 2017 and since then, we have been intensely together, first travelling and living in Thailand for 2 months, then travelling through Greece and Spain, until we decided to settle down in Belgium, where you will find us now.
