I find myself today with ruffled feathers, gone through fears and grief. It is still quite in process and I let it be for as long as it needs to.
Not a word came out to share anything sane here in the last few weeks. One day I felt this, another day I felt that. There was nothing to hold onto as any sense of truth. Ping pong in the mind. Clouded heart. Low energy. No desire for anything. Nostalgy. Frustration. The heart was impacted. It was an experience of being trapped in some kind of darkness.
Deep inside, I knew what this darkness was about. Exactly this sense of darkness, I felt it before in my life. Each time I went out of alignment with my true knowing.
Did I dare to look at things honestly? Yes.
So I knew.
Yet, I tried fixing it from left and right, to try to make it work. The stakes were high (still are), so the trap of a compromise was huge. I kept trying to hold onto the idea of how it could still become one day. I learned loads, so my great yearning for evolution was definitely satisfied.
I might share much more and more concretely when the time is ripe. For now, I just want to express that the last few weeks was a process of letting go and letting things die. As if by chain reaction, a few other seemingly important things showed up as candidates for death, and so they went too. The energy was released and can flow freely now.
It all went very fast, yet it lasted long to arrive to this point.
Yet another death.
Yet again not knowing.
I stared at the tree today.
The branches were swaying left and right, birds were flying by, clouds were passing by, and I asked life deeply "What is it all about really?"
And F.ck.
It doesn't become easier even if you have let things die a couple of times before.
My heart is open today.
That's why I can write.
This is what happens when I touch on the right string that was off.
The heart opens up. After grieving waves.
I can feel the wind again on my cheeks.
I can hear and feel my daughter after what feels like a long time.
I reached out to people with whom the contact stopped for one or another reason and shared that I would like to re-connect.
I feel that in the presence of death life is being born again.
This coming weekend I am to lead Module 4 "Blissful Love Making" of the 1 year program. Of all modules. This one.
I could not be in a better place.
Let me bring death into the space.
With love,
Alexa Mira
