Thank you all so much for your supportive words, and for reaching out to check in. It feels like such a blessing to have so many loving people around. Really, it means a lot.
What is this DEATH process about?
Dylan and I decided to walk single paths a couple of weeks ago.
It feels like one of those existential moments.
A turning point.
On some level, it feels like reality crash. -> Confusion. Sadness. Grief.
On a deeper level, it feels like dissolution of projections and expectations. -> Grief coupled with relief.
On an even deeper level, it feels like setting each other free to fully embrace who we are, and opening the possibility for the energy to flow naturally, unattached, unprojected. -> Deep relief and trust.
There is a lot of love between us.
There is also attraction, and chemistry between us, even now.
Family aspect, creating and bringing up our daughter together, is one of the things that is the most difficult to place. It's one of the best things we have created - FAMILY, and I get tears in my eyes every time I see Dylan and Alisia together. It's the best and most touching sight ever.
Neither of us has anyone else who we're in love with right now, so this is not what's playing out here.
And at the same time, where we are at as individuals in our dharmic movement, seems like we are heading to different destinations. It informs our individual needs and desires that are polar in several aspects at this moment in life.
Polarities have always been strong between us.
(That's also why Eros between us never died).
LOVE was weaving our countless polarities so beautifully all these years, expanding both of us in our capacity to accept what is. And of course, we have some fundamental things in common, otherwise we could have never stayed for so long together.
Being together literally made us relationship experts because we (primarily me) digged into all possible courses and books about relationships to continuously weave our polarities. I even became a certified professional Sex, Love & Relationships coach a couple of years ago, because I needed tools for our relationship. Last summer, we hired coaches to work through our deeper child pieces that were coming up between us.
But most genious solutions in our relating have not been sourced from courses or books, not from coaches. Unconventional ideas that arose from within both of us, straight from our Hearts.
There were several times over the past 6 years of relating that we stood on the edge of "Do we continue together or apart?" and the love that we felt for each other always let us birth new incredible chapters again and again.
Last week, in my retreat, I had an insightful process around it for myself, while holding space. So powerful to be in a sacred ritualistic space for these matters.
"Stop looking for the Form".
It was revealed to me that I need to let go of attachment to any FORM. When I let go of the form completely, be it this or that kind of relationship, or be it single, or anything else, I feel incredible freedom and presence and alignment within myself, but also what comes to the foreground is deep space of love, gratitude, and joy that each of us unfolds and blossoms in this life in the most beautiful and authentic way.
Since we both fell back on our own energy by also physically separating in space (each of us took a polar part of the house to inhabit, I moved to my temple that stands loose from the house, all the way in the garden), and we spent several days completely apart, I have been experiencing only more love and respect for Dylan, and at times an intense desire to make love.
I also experience myself more purely, without projections and expectations of him as my partner. I've let go of Hopium. The focus now goes on what IS, instead of what IS NOT.
Yesterday, I spoke with a friend, and these words came out of my mouth: "For me, there is an equal chance for it to go either way. Meaning that there is equally a possibility that we will still choose to co-create from a new level of consciousness, or that we choose to walk further apart in this physical reality, connected in love, and caring for the family aspect."
Either way, we needed to let things die and dissolve the form. From the old reality, we could no longer see what was true, we could only feel that it was no longer right.
Where this will lead us, only God knows.
With love,
