Earlier this week, I worked with a coaching client on her PLEASING pattern. The pattern to put everyone else but herself FIRST. To be a GOOD girl. So she receives approval and love.
Who is familiar with this PATTERN here?
There is nothing wrong with PLEASING in its essence if it doesn't chronically cost you energy, doesn't deplete you, doesn't go against your own interests, values and needs, doesn't make you wonder at the end of the day "Who the f.ck am I?" because you lost yourself and your own voice through being a chameleon.
If PLEASING is what makes you truly happy, is part of who you authentically are, if it is your mission to make other people happy by pleasing, because you already found your own core, know how to take care of your own needs, and your cup is mostly full, great! Enjoy, and nothing to worry about!
But if you PLEASE because you want to get something in return but you don't say it openly, because you think that people won't love you otherwise, because you are conditioned to put others first at the cost of yourself in order to fit the definition of "a good person", PLEASING is not truly serving anyone and will leave you in disappointment at the end of the day. Truth will be revealed sooner or later, and all the strategies, conscious or unconscious, will be exposed.
Owning your PLEASER pattern doesn't mean you will not go an extra mile for someone when they are truly in need and you feel an authentic impulse to do so. This is what we all, humans, are capable of. And it's important to honor this.
But you will see through any manipulation, when someone tries to get you to go an extra mile for them while this is not in alignment with who you are, what you want, your values. You may even get blamed for not PLEASING, given all sorts of arguments, as if their disappointment now needs to become number ONE item on your agenda, and you are the one to solve it. Stay away from buying into such strategies. Dare to share how it makes you feel and keep your boundaries clear.
There is nothing in this whole world you HAVE to do that doesn't feel right for you. Don't take their disappointment personally, or as a rejection. By being true to yourself and acting on it, you transmit to others that they also have this option, to be true to themselves. It's deliciously contagious. And especially when it's communicated graciously and from the heart, without a cover up or hiding behind another good reason.
Does being true to yourself make you SELFISH?
YES, it does. In the eyes of PLEASERS.
Merry Christmas, beautiful people.
