Last night, I cried rivers.
Holding my inner child was just the beginning of the process. Resentment towards my mother from something that happened between us 9 months ago surfaced and hit me with intense pain. Something she said and did, and me receiving it as an insult, without a possibility to talk it through. Even though a month later after that incident we talked again as if nothing happened, it still subconsciously lived in me until yesterday as an "unforgiven" insult.
For the past three days, ever since I felt internal escalation towards my mother growing, I've been listening to the audio book of my very first teacher in bioenergetics S. Lazarev, and the words that struck the cord in me were: "The biggest disconnection from the source and deformation of the energy field happens when we kill love. For this, we "pay" with physical and psychological illnesses in ourselves and in our children. Genuine repentance is the only way to heal it." By "killing love" he means turning away from God, which can look like turning away from our parents and/or children, or even any other person by holding on to resentment or insult. Basically, any withholding of love is not a good idea.
I felt there was something for me in these words, but I did not know immediately what.
By following my body yesterday, holding the inner child part of me, it led me to the incident of 9 months ago. This is what made me cry my eyes out. Once all emotional charge was released, my fever was gone, cough subsided, body relaxed, it became still, I felt genuine love again towards my mom, and I fell asleep. It took me till 3am to work through.
This morning, I shared with my mom what happened for me in the night, carefully asking her beforehand not to run away from what I was about to share. She bursted out in tears, came and grabbed me tight, we sobbed together, Alisia joined in and sobbed with us. My mom said "It's easy for you, you know how and what to do. Luckily. I had no clue." And she shared how much she loves us. F.ck! It was so important for me to hear this.
Now we are all on a good way to recovery and I no longer need cold and flu to help me process this energetic blockage from 9 months ago. It's been a fluish season indeed.
Big inhale in my free chest and gratitude to the flu for timely holding me back at home.
