What was originally planned as a short surprise visit to Russia turned out to be another flu experience + more. I had to change today's tickets because I felt feverish and rebooked them to fly back later this week at the cost of the events I planned to hold during the coming weekend. Sad about it.
When circumstances seem to take over, I always ask two questions.
1. What do I want?
2. What does life want from me?
In this case, all I wish is to fly back home. And if I deeply tune in, then I also want to go home having arrived to a greater harmony with my mother. Life clearly supports me in this by NOT letting me fly back yet. And even though it's not the way HOW I wish things would go, here I am to learn something.
I can infinitely hold space for anyone else in the world, and I can place judgements of others about me back in their lap, but when it comes to my own mother, she effortlessly and without intention manages to get all my irritation and rage triggers activated in a matter of a couple of days.
It's often hard for me to believe that this is my mother. So absolutely different we are. And then again, in some aspects we are so much the same.
So... Being here in the fire of burning my own shit.
And my shit is going to be burning as long as I want her to be different.
One of the things I so can't accept about her is her judgemental and controlling nature. And so here I am judging her for being judgemental and trying to explain/control her into opening up to accepting our differences. Dah!
We did not have a fight or anything like that, it's the distance that I feel between us, and I know 100% she feels it too.
Maybe a good fight would be good actually?
And then I observe my dad. He learned over 40 years to love her with all of this and he doesn't want or need her to be any different, even though he himself is not finding joy in being judgemental or controlling and is often being her target . Sometimes I even suspect that he might secretly enjoy it.
It's not easy, cause none of my magical tools seem to work here. Neither sharing my feelings nor explaining my point of view why I do things the way I do them, nor any other. And ok, I can agree that there is little logic for anyone to follow my no-logic sense of trusting life in the moment, I so wish HER to UNDERSTAND me. Just because she is my mother and I am born out of her, there is a part in me that screams to be understood by her.
As I write this, I am realizing that it's me who needs to hold this part of me in my own understanding arms. What can be so clear for me when working with others can be blurred when I'm in a triggering situation, and writing down helps.
The only thing I am seemingly left with is to let her be the way she is, including all the judgements towards me, how I bring up Alisia, how I relate, and all the rest, and set my boundaries. It is painful to accept that no greater closeness and connection is possible between us now.
3 more days to go. I choose to do my inner work and trust.
