The moment I acknowledged the state fully (referring to my previous post) and allowed myself to be seen in this by you all, there was no single bit left to hide or to deny it any more, and that in itself brought peace. Yes, it IS happening. All crumbled.
I still have no clue and still no desire for anything,
but I can find rest in it now. Anxiety that was present a few days in a row subsided.
What I learned in the past few days is that the space I found myself in is called a LIMINAL SPACE, the space between "what was" and "what's next". It is a place of transition, waiting and not knowing. I found some articles about it online, e.g. this one...
https://transformationalpresence.org/…/liminal-space-embrac…
It came so suddenly. Some days ago I woke up in the morning and suddenly nothing of what I knew or lived made sense any more. The "old" crumbled in what seemed a fraction of time. Everything that was fulfilling and bringing joy went to ashes. Nothing happened outside to cause it, yet internally all meaning collapsed.
It created a lot of anxiety suddenly as my everyday life was still linked to actions that supported what was meaningful and fulfilling before. Relationship. Work. And out of the blue I found myself in a space "What am I doing here?" 😏
I saw that the context of relating in my relationship with Dylan was no longer serving either one of us. It was before, but not any more. I noticed things that were keeping us both small for the sake of harmony between us. It was so instantly clear. We did find a way to address it. I'll share more when the time is right.
I realized that the WHY I was doing my work was no longer fulfilling.
If before I did the work because I felt joy seeing people connecting to a deeper meaning or experience in their relationships, discovering the flow of life in them through authenticity, rather than living from rigid concepts, I suddenly felt I could not care less if people live from concepts or allow the flow of life to stream through them. Authenticity being one of the main pillars of teaching - it is still something important for me personally, but something in me is no longer excited whether others will choose to live authentically or not. I don't know why... maybe there is something else I'm not seeing yet.
What do I want?
If before I wanted to work with people, hold space to see their hearts opening towards deeper acceptance of polarities, witness their aliveness and fulfillment as well as self-love, since I woke up that one morning, I did not want to see a single person. I suddenly realized I don't have a desire to neither hold workshops or retreats, or give a massage or de-armoring sessions at the moment. Not sure for how long, but for now it's like this.
But what do I want instead?
What are my dreams?
What is my heart's longing right now?
No clue. Or maybe just one little thing... just be.
So, I have no idea where it all will lead.
For now I'm peacefully allowing the old to rest and am opening up to what wants to remain or disappear, as well as to the unknown new.
