It's so powerful to let go of it all and from this free unattached space see and feel.
I thank this collective space on Facebook where I can initiate or be part of a virtual circle. It doesn't even have to be live. This virtual space surprisingly carries the same power when I step into it with purity of intent as if it were a live circle. And so your contributions made me tune into what resonated and what not and thus allowed to gain greater clarity into my own truth.
What I see so far...
I see at the core of this inner crisis that happened inside of me is the fact that I haven't allowed myself to fully be myself with all that there is when I lead/hold space for others. Somewhere I got this concept deep inside of me, alive for many years now, that when I hold space in service of others there is no space for me as a person/identity, including my opinions and judgements. It's like I parked this part of me each time when leading a workshop or retreat believing that only the 'pure' unconditional part of me is needed to hold the space for others. I had no problem sharing personal examples and reveal most intimate parts of life with participants, but when it came to me thinking or feeling something that was not accepting or agreeing with someone, I would park and not express it holding the space of neutrality. I can see that if I were to allow my person/identity to also be part of the process and allow it to be expressed that suddenly it all just flows and the energy is not stuck. No inner division. And how paradoxical it is that I always invite authentic sharings from participants, which is one of the things that creates so much awareness and therefore opens new horizons. So, how come did I deny it to myself as a leader? Besides it becoming an unconscious norm there is smth else. I was also concerned that by revealing what I truly think or feel that participants might feel unsafe with me as a leader. I see now that it's just an assumption. If such a sharing comes from me owning my inner movement as mine and not as "you need to be different", it can be quite revealing for both parties. The truth is I do have inner movements and parking them is not authentic. I'm not enlightened, the state where I'd be free of triggers (I imagine!) and therefore not acknowledging them honestly as they are is a bypass.
Second big aha comes from seeing that I started welcoming quantity over my inner joy in the past months, thus creating a Tantra "factory" with high frequency of events. This work was born from joy and I stopped feeling it when the frequency of retreats picked up to such a degree that I was catching up and running like a squirrel to prepare for another retreat immediately after completing the preceding one. I started feeling like my own work was eating me, eating my energy, eating my personal time, eating my joy. In November/ December I held 5 retreats in a row with quite a few individual sessions inbetween after which all I wanted was to hide somewhere in a deep dark cave where I could see Noone for weeks or even months. I got such an overdosis of interacting with people!! Especially while not giving space to my person/identity to be expressed - which created a huge backlog of unprocessed thoughts and emotions, which in turn created mega tiredness and a feeling of being 'fed up'. No wonder, now looking back, he! 😏
It's so revealing to see all these things that were playing out and that eventually cornered me into a complete disconnect from myself and from the joy of doing this work. Thank you all for the space here and for your presence - I feel it accelerates my seeing.
And I remain open to see what else will reveal itself. 👀
