The 'unsuccessful' love relationship that I had earlier this year triggered and hit me stronger than I ever thought it could. I posted about it in spring when I came back from the USA with a 'broken' heart, disappointed and crashed. Right after the break up, for several days I had no inspiration to live whatsoever, entered a sort of depression. Something like this never happened to me before, that while being so mutually in love it could be over within a few days. My mind could not comprehend and I resisted to accept it. But life gave me this experience. It is then that I realized that I needed to start learning to love myself for real. I realized that all those amazing qualities that I saw in him are also in me and that I can cultivate these aspects in myself and thus grow self-love. But most importantly, I wanted to learn to love myself unconditionally, free from anyone loving me back... well, free from needing him to love me. Little I knew that it all would trigger a lengthy period of facing myself in all truth.
For the first time I so clearly experienced how my body was a reflection of my inner world. My body was day by day aligning itself to my depressed state. I started gaining weight, which on top of all caused a big panic inside of me. My heart was closed down and I felt no life energy passing through my body as it used to. I even started avoiding tantra retreats which I was enrolled in as a 2-year education, because many practices were directed at opening the heart and I did not want it. Heart was like an open wound, and I preferred to keep it covered with protection in order not to feel pain.
This is when I realized that just becoming aware of what really happened won't do. Some books gave me good insights yet it was by far not enough to feel alive again. I applied all possible tools I've ever learned to get myself 'back' but it all just seemed to work temporarily. Then I started daily practice in various forms: energy and body cleansing, yoga, breathing practices, and other - all I've learned over the years but had no direct need to apply daily.
Daily practice started grounding me and clearing the excessive confusion, bringing me in touch with myself again and making me stronger to open up to feel the pain and grief I stored by keeping my heart closed. THROUGH seemed to be the only way. I so did not want to feel it, and yet there was no way around - I wanted my aliveness back.
I asked life every day to show me the way to heal. And I was following its guidance which came in the form of either practices I did or people I talked to, solitude and self-reflection.
My heart was closed for relationships - and I did not know how long it would take to open it again.
About 3 months later, I met a man whose pure presence and love started gently healing me day by day. In the beginning I was afraid to open up, denying the connection I mutually felt. Yet, slowly but surely his love started teaching me self-love. First through his eyes and little by little on my own I started again seeing myself. It was clear to me that this angel was there to show me the way to unconditional self-love. Self-love not because of something, but in spite of everything. It still amazes me how the right people come at the right time, as if someone is directing this whole scene. That someone is my own soul I suspect.
Now, even though way more grounded, I still go through an existential process which forms main undertone on the canvas of everyday life. It brings me to very uncomfortable places internally, including worry and fears linked to living life, to mortality and death. Time and again I'm reliving grief from letting go of comfortable illusions and of the picture I had about life. I've never been so slow - it takes me forever to do things I usually did very efficiently before. It's like I'm zooming into the void. The quality of time changed - it seems to go faster than ever. I bounce between states of meaninglessness, fears, gratitude, love and meaninglessness again.
This summer I was lucky to have time to spend in my favourite place in Thailand, close to nature. Just being there was so healing. Plus the constellation of people and events was nourishing and reflecting to me a lot. I did not do even half of what I wanted to do professionally because the inner process took a lot of space, but it was needed.
And today for the first time in a long time I feel wide awake in the middle of the night. I feel clear and grateful for the dark nights of the soul. It was not easy, but it made me look and feel the other side of existence. And with that appreciate life much deeper than I ever did. There is still more to see, a lot more... but I'm breathing, my heart is open and this is all that matters now.
About us:
Dylan and I met in May of 2017 and since then, we have been intensely together, first travelling and living in Thailand for 2 months, then travelling through Greece and Spain, until we decided to settle down in Belgium, where you will find us now.
