My daughter turned 3 recently.
I remember the moment a few months ago, when it was the very first time I noticed her discovering a pleasant sensation between her legs. It happened by chance, during the day, while she was playing.
It is such a unique moment in a life time of each human being - discovering the most intense pleasure place in our body. Our genitals.
Discovering the sexual PULSE. The pulse of Life.
Since then, she has been exploring this pleasure spot by going into the same game she played when she discovered it. She goes and plays the game and finds the sensation again. Each time she spends a little bit longer exploring the pleasurable sensations.
I see her sweating, her face turning red, breathing deeper, moving with particular frequency.
She is not shy doing it in our presence. You can see how there is no positive or negative judgement present about it in her yet.
There is no hint of shame, she is doing it in a trusting herself and trusting us way.
Pure.
Natural.
Innocent.
We as parents neither discourage or encourage her to do it.
We notice it and let her explore without intervening.
I grew up differently in this sense. My mom tried to protect me from a possible sexual abuse by punishing me for masturbating from as early as I remember myself. The reason for doing this was because she did not know better and because she herself was sexually abused by her stepfather at the age of 11. Really a sad story. It 'broke' my heart when I heard it first time.
Those punishments had a very damaging effect on my self-worth, my self-expression, early sexual life and relationships. Today, I can look at it all with gratitude because I did serious inner work of forgiveness and acceptance, and I can feel compassion for my mom and myself today. And yet, at any time I can tap into that memory and feelings associated with the experience. Fascinating!
Child sexuality is delicate, and I wish all adults would understand this. It is to be approached with deep reverence.
Sexual energy pulse and discovery of pleasure is not something that we choose or decide when it comes. It just happens. And the reaction of the external world towards our first sexual sensations and explorations determines to a large degree how we will perceive sexuality going forward. As natural, or as dangerous, as shameful, or as sacred.
Because my partner and I have embodied the naturalness of sexual energy for ourselves, it's also completely natural for us that she does it.
If we were ashamed of our own sexuality, or we had any kind of sexual abuse, and we hadn't addressed it in our healing journey, we'd have a big chance to transmit this frequency to our daughter. Our healing is our responsibility.
A friend of mine asked: "What to do when your child is very explicit about masturbating and does it also in public places?"
If it was my daughter, I would explain to her that the pleasure she feels is natural and very welcome, that it's called sexual pleasure, that mama and papa have it too, and that it's something nice to explore in the privacy of her own room/home. If she asked me why, I'd simply explain that not everybody has a positive attitude when children scream out of enthusiasm or disappointment in public places. Similarly, not everyone has a positive attitude towards sexual pleasure expressed in public places.
We want to support the natural sexual development of a child and create a beautiful framework of safety and freedom for them to explore. And at the same time, it's about being aware not to dump our sexuality-related fears and past experiences on them by over-warning and over-protecting. We've got to own our own stuff and take it into healing if needed.
I wish for my daughter and all other children to love themselves, their perfect bodies, their life energy, and grow up as empowered and loving individuals who know what's natural and what's not, what's a Yes and what's a No for them, and able to express it clearly.
With love,
Alexa Mira
