There is a yearning inside all of us.
A deeply fundamental sense that we are here to be somebody.
We have some function, some part to play in the grand unfolding of the universe.
It lives as our expression.
The undeniable urges we feel to follow our interests, our ‘passion’.
It doesn't matter what the thing is, just that we feel the calling.
A reclusive artist immersed in their creative purpose, an activist fighting for equality, a mother who loves raising her kids, a man engaged in corporate change, a software engineer, a gardener...
It's all relevant.
All important.
All necessary.
We are here to be ourselves.
That, to me, is the greatest calling there is in being human.
To be that single unique expression, the one of a kind that we are.
But then there is relationship...
A different kind of calling.
A yearning to be with someone.
To combine and create something that is more than either of us.
A "couple".
A relationship is an entity with its own needs and desires and unique expression.
Not quite either individual but both of them mixed together to create something new and beyond.
Yet this is where it gets challenging.
Because these two forces… the need to be ourselves, and the yearning to be part of something more, grapple with one another.
The dysfunctional expression of this plays out in our common attachment dynamic.
The avoidant fights for its right to be itself, and resents any threat to that.
The anxious fights for the need to be in relationship, and resents any threat to that.
But both are necessary.
If the relationship wins the battle… we become merged and fused.
The sense of self is lost… and when the relationship eventually co-dependently collapses in on itself (and it will if this tension isn’t resolved)… we will be left feeling like we don’t know who we are anymore.
If the individual self wins the battle… well… at best we become roommates living separate lives while sharing the same bed.
At worst… is where the affairs happen.
There is no point to a relationship if there is no “we”.
And so we have this tension.
You can’t escape it.
The moment you enter into relationship with someone, the dance begins.
The thriving relationships understand how to do both.
Honour and preserve the incredible beauty of each individual.
While simultaneously revelling in the experience of being together.
You and I creates We.”
By Damien Bohler
