"Alexa, you say that you and Dylan are so different in many aspects.
Don't you feel like you have to COMPROMISE a lot in your relationship?"
We used to compromise... both of us. A LOT!
Until we had enough and almost split up... but luckily, we timely realized that we can also be together without compromising. It was a moment when a light bulb went on for both of us.
First, about 1 year into our relationship, when we found ourselves without dopamine and endorphins of the honey moon phase, we discovered that we were quite different. My partner being a pleaser at that time, conditioned by upbringing, tried to fulfill all of my needs to his best ability being afraid to loose me. It worked for me, but not long for him.
After about a year of this everyday pleasing behavior, crossing his own boundaries time and again, he found himself lost and not knowing any more who he was. He 'landed' in a sort of melancholy or depression that we needed some time to understand before it could be addressed. His main insight into his depression was that he was not listening to himself and would do anything out of fear not to loose me, thus often and regularly betraying himself.
It was a HUGE wake up call!
Once he realized that, he committed to 6 months of being TRUE to himself and stop pleasing. He asked me for support in that and I committed to do anything I could for him to-reconnect with his truth. Big growth happened for both of us during that time, because I needed to adjust too.
As time passed, Dylan became more and more empowered to express his authentic Yes and No. And oh my Lord, how much more attractive he started becoming! I could see his light and his power.
During this process, we also empowered each other to learn to take care of most of our own needs ourselves and be true to each other with our Yes's and No's.
We also looked at the structure of our relationship and adjusted it so it would make us unlimited in sourcing the fulfillment of our desires and needs.
We both felt amazing about the possibilities it opened up!
However, after a while we started noticing that we were two empowered individuals living next to each other, "not needing each other" so to say. You can guess what started happening next... We began going different paths without having much in common.
We could fulfill our needs without each other. Then the question arose... why stay together at all? Especially that we are so different, not having much in common by default.
Yet, we LOVED each other and we WANTED to be together.
It was very clear for both of us.
We needed to find some COMMON ground without loosing ourselves in each other again, and without diluting our individuality or transgressing our boundaries.
The shift happened when we realized that instead of putting the focus for each of us on taking care of our individual needs only, we needed to include again taking care of each other's needs, but this time in an integer way, without transgressing our individual boundaries.
It was a bit counter-intuitive in the beginning, because it was a flash back for Dylan to the times of pleasing. But this time it was different.
First, we consciously named our relationship needs to each other: what exactly we needed, in which form, how often, how much.
Then, we tuned in if it was within our personal healthy boundaries to fulfill on them.
If the answer was Yes, then we committed to take care of each other's needs. And if the answer was No, we spoke about a way that would make it a Yes or honestly said we couldn't. And like this we went need by need for each other.
We were surprised to discover that actually it all boiled down to 3-4 core needs for each of us, not 10 and not 20.
We committed to taking care of several of each other's needs, next to taking care of other needs ourselves. Some days it was easy, some days - not, but what we started noticing as days went by was that the feeling of Love and Harmony started growing between us and we started feeling US as a couple. The pleasant feelings were arising because we saw each other's effort and action (even if it was not 100% what we needed!), and slowly-slowly we started noticing how our needs were met through each other. Maybe for the first time, we started feeling in a relationship TOGETHER, not apart.
Where do we stand today?
Today, we realize that a balance of BOTH is equally important for a needs fulfillment within a relationship:
1. Be able to take care of our own needs when the partner can't or doesn't want to, and
2. Take care of our partner's needs in integer way.
If you decide to embark on a similar empowering journey in your relationship towards personal fulfillment as individuals and as a couple, I just want to give you a little TIP Be aware to give yourselves time to not be masterful immediately.
Patience, Compassion and Open Conversations are a beautiful glue that makes the process smooth for two (or more) partners to find a way to holistic needs fulfillment in the relationship. With a mutual desire and action it's possible for EVERYONE!
With love,
Alexa Mira
Relationships and Compromises
