HOW could I be so blind not to see this earlier!?
Thanks to a conversation with a friend today and reading the book "A Return to Eros" recommended by another friend 2 days ago, I had a huge AHA moment!
What I'm going to share here is quite personal... and I don't mind at all as the nature of work I do is quite intimate and personal.
Since I tapped into practicing Tantra and working with sexual energy a few years ago, it's like a new world opened up and I've felt an incredible increase in self-confidence, creativity, inner knowing, intuition, and more importantly, all existential questions like "Who am I and why am I here?" fell away. Such questions became totally obsolete. On a daily basis, if I wanted to know something, I just asked a question internally, and the answer would show up pretty fast, either as an internal insight or delivered by some other person or situation. An every day fullness of living totally, effortlessly, clear inner guidance - all of it opened up with practicing Tantra. And so it became part of my everyday reality to experience these things for the last few years.
Now, the existential crisis that I hit a few weeks ago did not happen overnight, it was escalating from the end of November onwards until it reached its peak at the beginning of January.
In this period (November to January), I experienced physical tiredness, almost exhaustion at times, lack of joy and curiosity, feelings of emptiness, a dull and throbbing pain, like a big hole inside. Not the type of emptiness you can easily surrender to and sink into its silence, but the emptiness that is cold, that is frightening, that is dark. The type of emptiness you want to fill with all kinds of things not to feel it. What was bringing me joy before became dull and colorless. Creativity faded away. It almost felt like a curse or something similar.
I could not understand why I suddenly got so unplugged from my aliveness and joy, and everything that I loved lost its meaning, including work and relationship?
Only today I made the link thanks to the conversation and the book...and pieces of the puzzle fell together. Ok, maybe it's just ONE of the many pieces of the puzzle, but it's a BIG one!
Back in November, something happened in our, Dylan and my sexual exploration, that caused my Yoni to close down. Ok, it was not the first time it happened, and normally, if it happened before, I'd easily trace back the reason and de-armor the blockage myself, but this time the reason was quite complex and deeply rooted in something that happened several years before. It was the very reason that marked the beginning of me starting the Tantric path back then.
So, when it happened in November that I suddenly experienced uncontrolled closing down, the real reason was not apparent to me yet, and it would not be apparent for weeks to come. When I finally figured it out through a deep inquiry that Dylan and I embarked on one day, I was not able to heal it with my own self-healing methods. I felt powerless because I wanted to make love, but my body did not open up.
Since that moment back in November, I did not experience the abundant sexual energy flow which I normally experienced, not to say that we, Dylan and I, barely had any sexual contact because it was quite painful for me as yoni felt contracted, in "protection" mode.
In the meantime, the loss of creativity and meaning was becoming more and more acute, to the point where I started even doubting whether I should continue the work, until one day nothing made sense anymore. Travelling further through Asia seemed like a drag. And that was the day when I shared my feelings on Facebook. This deep emptiness that I did not even have words for wanted to be seen.
Upon return to Belgium from Asia, I took 1 full week of doing nothing, daily yoga and meditation, and feeling into the uncomfortable emptiness.
After 1 week, one morning I woke up from feeling my sexual energy flowing in abundance as I knew it before. Miracle! I jumped out of bed and ran to Dylan "It's back!" We made love and I felt incredibly open and alive, no pain and no tension. Awww, how much I missed it!!!!
Was it the 1 week of intentional rest? Was it coming back home? I am still not sure what caused the return of sexual energy this time.
And from then on, the sexual energy is alive and creativity started returning, desire to read and write, participate in life. I feel it gradually increasing day by day as I channel the sexual energy into all parts of my body. Since that very morning, there was no experience of cold emptiness anymore. And even though my mind was still trying to figure out what happened, I started noticing increase in my aliveness day by day.
Today is the day when I feel like I’m back in my own skin. Phew!
So, the AHA I had today and which I wanted to share with you is about the direct ✨LINK between the sexual energy flow cut off and the experience of cold emptiness and meaninglessness; and in the same way about the LINK between the abundance of sexual energy and inner joy and creativity. Wohooooo!!🙂🙏✨
