Often times in my work I observe this phenomenon which usually plays out BEFORE couples or singular partners who are in a couple decide to join Tantra retreats.
The phenomenon is....
One of the partners wants to explore Tantra or, in other words, what they really want is to re-connect, deepen or heal intimate connection in their relationship, while the other partner either feels attacked by it (assuming that the other suggests it is because "s/he is not good enough") or resistant to give it a chance for one or another of 100's of reasons.
It is a FACT that so many couples have no clue any more how to come back into connection with each other, after years of being disconnected, operating on family obligations or some other scripts. Yet, deep inside one or both of them feel that it can be different, that there is a possibility to meet each other again.
When this feeling becomes a possibility, one of the partners starts opening a conversation or taking action.
The process of re-connecting is not easy, and sometimes even may feel like mission impossible. Yet, with patience and care, it is possible - I've witnessed it enough times in my work. Even when it seemed like a completely "lost case". I know deep inside that it's never lost if they both dare to show up.
And when they do, gentle yet profound work begins where the two will re-invent their connection in a new and unique way.
>>>>>>
So, what to do if you would like to follow a Tantra program to deepen and re-invent the intimate connection in your relationship, but your partner is for one or another reason is in resistance to it?
1. Be delicate about how you communicate it.
If you come from criticism, you are likely to meet resistance.
I recommend to focus your sharing on what you feel, for instance that you feel you lost intimate connection and don't know anymore how to find it back to your partner, and that you would like to explore new possibilities to come back intimately together again, in a fulfilling way for both of you.
2. Be open to hear what your partner needs, fears and desires in your relationship.
Ask your partner, listen and explore their needs, fears and desires. Be open to receive what they say as their 'truth' at this moment, even if you don't agree with what they say. Let it sink in, feel it, really trying to be in their shoes. Fully acknowledge their sharing. Then ask if s/he would like to hear yours, and if yes, share too.
3. If your partner wants to re-connect too, but is afraid of the group context of the Tantra retreats, you may explore their fears and address them one by one. It is never that the person is afraid of the group, but usually they are afraid of their own vulnerability being seen in the group, things like "loosing their face" or suddenly you, their partner, would see "they are not good enough". If you can address these fears in a safe supportive way, your partner may give it a chance. In the end, even in the group context, it is possible to create your own safe cocoon to explore your relationship.
4. If you tried everything, and your partner still refuses to give it a chance, you may check the foundation of your relationship. "Does s/he at all want Connection and Intimacy with you?"
It may be scary to ask, but it is important to check. If they don't even want it because they already silently "quit" the relationship, this is the level to explore first. "If it would be possible to reconnect, would they want to?"
If on both questions the answer is No, then it's important to see if you still want to be in this relationship.
With love,
Alexa Mira 💋
