It’s yet another milestone.
And it is today.
The 3rd one in a matter of the last 30 days.
After what happened in Israel (#1) and the last retreat we held last week (#2).
I’m still trying to put the first two milestones into words.
I took the second half of the day to be on my own today. This week was one of the most incredible weeks in my life. Integrating all that happened in last week’s retreat.
To be on my own… to dance, to see the sunset, to smell the air, to look at the sky, to journal. Alone. With no one else around.
I called a friend and asked if I could come to his place to be on my own. He said he would not be there, only very briefly for 30 minutes, and that afterwards he would leave. He said I was welcome to stay.
When he/I arrived, we ended up talking for almost 2 hours!!!
A thought crossed my mind after the first 5 minutes: Do I close the conversation here? Or do I engage a little longer?
As I was pondering on a choice between the two, I stayed present and noticed the various feelings arising in me. I breathed them deeply in without applying any action. 
A sense of curiosity arose in me about what else was possible. Besides these familiar to me options ‘to manage the situation’.
Outside of the retreats, where the collective context is not awakening and transformation, transparency and authenticity, I learned to “not be fully myself” (fear to be burnt alive that lives on a cellular level ). I also learned to put quite some boundaries with people around me, out of protection.
And here out of the blue, another possibility unfolded. Without my conscious will.
Suddenly I felt a force inside of me.
I know it very well from holding space in my retreats. It usually awakens when I choose to be in service to HER.
But here it came “uninvited”, if you can even put it this way. Because… please come uninvited.
I started saying things that I, Alexa as a person, would normally not say. It just kept erupting in pieces and I was surprised by the words coming out of my mouth.
First I tensed, checking the impact. He kept engaging. Then I could relax more and more. Until I started having so much FUN. It was literally funny to be used this way in the light of the day, not in the physical temple.
I almost forgot he was supposed to be gone after 30 minutes.
I am curious if he had as much fun as I did, but this we will find out later for sure. Because it’s a very different kind of interaction. It f.cks your mind and may be perceived as personal.
After he left, I felt an incredible alignment.
I received great gifts through what he was sharing too.
It opened up a possibility.
To be the GATE also outside of the work officially, i.e. outside of the retreats, outside of individual sessions. This is big and this is scary.
I’m present to a slight sense of danger to share about it here, and celebrating this opening at the same time. It creates such a rush of energy that it turns again into one of those sleepless nights. I can’t stop writing, Eros intensely awake, energy pushing through, heart exploding, images and visions flood consciousness.
I am sharing this with the larger field in order to be released. In spite of the fear, it feels right.
Let it burn.
Disclosure: we did not use any consciousness altering substances, neither did I in the last 30 days.
