This human realm is so confused.
We seek Love forgetting that we are the source of Love ourselves.
Fear is just on the flip side of Love, and when we live and take action from Fear, it becomes Twisted Love.
My mother, like any other mother on this planet does, loved me in her unique twisted way. Not always in the way I could understand and receive it, definitely not always in the ways I needed it, because it was also often twisted by fear… for me, for herself, for her relationship.
She woke up at night when I was ill and sat next to me as long as it was needed, she sang soothing songs and prepared medicinal drinks for me, she made the most delicious nourishing breakfasts each morning according to my wishes, she encouraged me to express my love for dancing and go on stage, she actually sacrificed her own love for singing and sharing it with people on stage for raising my brother and me.
This is how big was her Love.
She often told me that I was not fast enough or beautiful enough, that I was my father’s daughter when I was displaying qualities she did not like, she punished me physically with a wet towel hitting my face and back and chest when she caught me masturbating, she called me names in those moments that created scars and walls around my heart, she often used silent treatments to bring her point across.
This is how big was her twisted Love.
But before I could see it all as Love, there was a part in me unconsciously wanting to pay her back, desiring that she would make up for all of the pain she caused, blindly forgetting (and even repressing out of my memory) all the beautiful ways she reached me with her Love.
Parents are perceived by us as the Source of our existence, even though they are not the true Source. If I want to pay back to the Source of my very existence, I want to pay back to Life for any pain I would feel. It turns into a life lived in projection and possibly also blame.
For many years, I projected the unconscious desire to pay back to my mother on my life partner, and my ex partners, and anyone else who would trigger my mother wound. In the form of entitlement. This desire for reconciliation, for justice, was a wall around my heart. This wall made me unavailable for receiving love in its infinite myriads of expressions, and it also made me express love in twisted ways myself.
Mother and Father wounds create the very first emotional, mental and energetic imprints for relating. They may be parked for years, but they unconsciously act out in our current relationships, whether we like it or not.
Many people settle for being alone or choose safe partnerships over what their heart truly yearns for in order not to feel pain of the Mother and Father wounds.
It takes courage (and time) to go and look at all the hurt and all the times we haven’t felt seen, heard, recognized by our caretakers, and come to authentic and embodied acceptance and forgiveness.
Cutting the cord.
Then we can naturally fall out of entitlement and co-dependency in our today's relationships, and open our heart for the flow of Love.
Alexa Mira
