Being in contact with this little being every day, looking at her, holding her, smelling her makes me feel the purest form of LOVE I've ever experienced.
She can wake me up 100 times at night, and I still love her and want to be there for her.
When I had a womb infection after giving birth and I was lying in bed with high fever not able to even move, I don't know where the power came from to breastfeed her, but this is the only thing I could still do, as if by miracle my pain was lifted for a short while.
Even her dirty diapers are the best in the whole world. Haha, I am writing it and having a good laugh. Because it is true. 🥰
Thank you, life, for this experience, I am so so grateful.
>>>>>
Looking back...
For the biggest part of my life, I did not want to have children, because I felt that 1 or 2 tiny humans would "steal" my entire life that I could otherwise enjoy all by myself, do what I want and devote myself to working with hundreds and thousands of people on things that I am passionate about.
Of course, part of that 'not wanting' was also my own experience of growing up, witnessing my mother giving up on her passion of a singing career in favor of serving us, her children... my brother and I. So I programmed that it's EITHER children OR passion in life. I did not inherit "and... and...".
Only a couple of years ago it suddenly shifted. Without me giving it much thought, to be honest. The longing to give birth to a child came so strong. And about a year before I got pregnant, she came to me in a dream and, looking me straight in the eyes, silently communicated "I am coming".
I knew from that vision on that I had to prepare for HER arrival.
Conscious conception became the central theme for us, but no matter how much we tried to conceive her consciously, nothing would work. So, after a couple of months, we have let go of trying. Until one day last spring, something happened and Dylan and I felt incredible PASSION towards each other. We made love 2-3 times a day for hours, for several days in a row. If we could, that would be the only thing we'd do all day. We felt such a pull towards each other, beyond our comprehension.
And one of those days, during love making, I had a huge opening in consciousness, like the "gate" has opened up or something. Time slowed down and it felt like I went beyond my body.
I still remember this moment - it was in our bedroom... the same place where I'd hold my newborn baby girl 9 months later. Conceived and born in the same space.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I knew exactly the moment when we conceived.
It's so incredible that this miracle is now in our arms.
All I want these days is to be with her, to witness her every moment, to serve her needs, to share love among us as a family. She adds so much to the PASSION in my and our life, and in no way she prevents me to do things that I love doing.
What's true is that I am not called at the moment to be elsewhere than here with her. Having planned this year off feels such a blessing. 💞
