We feel incredible love towards each other, and we also experience the biggest pain through each other.
Dylan and I are touching on each other's core pain lately.
My pain of being "let down" (mostly triggered by non-integrity) and his pain of not "being seen" (mostly triggered by me pointing it out and giving arguments how it can be different).
When this core pain is touched, I feel how my whole pain body instantly gets activated and how I instantly loose trust. Love turns into a wide ranges of desires: to smack, to destroy, to cry, to be mad.
And even though I can easily hold others with full awareness in their most intense emotional states, I struggle to stay fully awake inside my own deep pain. I can quite master non-integrity of others, but Dylan reaches deeper.
The childhood pain is the strongest. Because it happened with very limited awareness and felt like the absolute truth. For me, it goes back to pain when I was small and I could not trust my dad because he drank a lot and always broke his promise not to get drunk again, as well as other promises which he could not fulfill while drunk. I felt betrayed, let down, ashamed. I felt pain of my mom too.
For Dylan, it's pain of being bullied in school. Kids laughing, pointing fingers, pinching, making him feel smth was wrong with him.
And so, here we are, attracted each other. To experience the deepest love as our hearts keep expanding and each day it even hurts to love so much, but also to heal. Healing in this case, as I see it, is to learn to stay awake when in the midst of pain.
Yesterday something was different. Dylan did not go into reaction as usually. I did. He was expressing his anger and yet he could stay aware while in the midst of expressing it. He held me while expressing his anger. He held me as an ally, not as an enemy. For the first time he held me like this.
I still went through the whole process of pain body activation, reaction and not being able to snap out. But I'm so grateful he could. He was committed to stay CONNECTED no matter what, even in the midst of his biggest pain. And this commitment pulled him out of habitual reactive cycle. He stayed clear, supportive of my process and available. 🙏🙏🙏
After this experience yesterday, we decided to create an altar devoted specifically to our relationship where we will consecrate our personal attachments and core pains, to deeply surrender all that is in the way of love.
Recognizable?
