Responsibility for our own PLEASURE
A conversation with a man yesterday inspired me to write this post.
The man shared with me that his wife doesn’t want sex with him, she says she doesn’t need it, and she only allows for it when he really insists. Then she lies there waiting for him to finish, not engaging at all, and he says he feels bad afterwards. He feels bad that he doesn’t know how to bring her pleasure as this is his biggest wish. After many years of trying, he even offered her to engage with another man if this would help her to find out what brings her pleasure, but she said she didn’t need sex. He also feels bad that he is not deeply seen and received by the woman he chose to be with. He feels stuck and frustrated. He tried different strategies: he talked to her and expressed how it made him feel, but she only repeated that she didn’t need sex; he watched porn many times to release the sexual pressure in order not to bother her, but this by far didn’t satisfy the need of soul to soul merger he is longing to have with his beloved; he tried to suppress his sexual energy and numb it, but then the question arose “why to live at all if I am numb”; he had thoughts of connecting to another woman who would be able to receive him sexually, but he felt so scared his wife would find out and divorce him and take the children away. On top of all, she forbade him watching porn, “because it’s dirty”. He was crying… “I love her. I chose her. I married her. She is a mother of my children. She understands me on all other fronts, except sex. It’s tough.”
This guy is still keeping himself open to the possibility of ever uniting with his woman on a deep level. How many guys gave up or resigned internally and started secretly going to another woman or also shut down their energy and started living in their head.
WOMEN, if you recognize this for yourself and for your partner, whether it is your past or current experience, I call you to wake up. It’s not just HIS issue. It’s time for us to get sexually empowered, step into our feminine essence, get to know our body and our energy, get to know ourselves.
By denying our partners sexual intimacy, we do not only continue being disconnected from ourselves, we also take their power away. They can’t be fully men without Giving to us on a deep level which sexuality allows for, and we can’t be fully women without ever expanding ability to Receive. Men are Givers by nature, they want to provide for us, to see us happy. It changes though if we take it for granted or deny it again and again.
The biggest gift a woman can give to a man is to RECEIVE him. To receive him fully, in everything he offers. And when it comes to sexuality, then it’s not just by opening legs and allowing him to do his thing, but by fully being there, engaged, receiving him with every cell of your body, with every part of your being, which in essence is MAKING LOVE.
It’s not the guy’s responsibility to let our juices flow. If you think he is a bad lover, you are most probably not any better. Most of the best male lovers were educated by women. It’s time to take responsibility to get to know yourself, your body, your pleasure. Take radical responsibility for your own pleasure – that’s my best advice. Release the fear of the sexual energy, of the Lingam. See it for what it is. Without it, you’ll just be finding all kinds of excuses to avoid intimacy, from “oh, it seems I’m in an early pre-menopausal state, where there is no sexual drive” to “I have migraine today… again”. And all these symptoms may be true, yet they are just the consequences of you not being connected to yourself, not feeling your body, not knowing your energy.
And I’ve been there myself too, I was denying my man, I was denying myself, thinking I simply didn’t need it or thinking he had to change. But deep inside I believed there was something wrong either with me, or with him, or with us. I knew that something was not flowing, and what I found shocked me by its simplicity. My body, my pleasure is MY RESPONSIBILITY, not his. So I took responsibility to heal myself, to find out what lets my energy and juices flow, and what stops them from flowing, how to communicate in an empowering way, how to ensure safe space for myself at all times, how can I be authentic to myself and to him, etc., so we both crack open AGAIN and AGAIN to be taken by LOVE.
About us:
Dylan and I met in May of 2017 and since then, we have been intensely together, first travelling and living in Thailand for 2 months, then travelling through Greece and Spain, until we decided to settle down in Belgium, where you will find us now.