Not everything is pinky rosy in relationships - what to do when sh.t hits the fan? 💔

Are you finding yourself in an unpleasant pattern with your beloved?

Having worked with many couples in the past, I see that the most common reason of long disconnection between two people is the belief that it's the other who needs to change. Rarely people see their own responsibility in co-creating the undesirable reality.

Recently I worked with a couple, who frequently got stuck in a painful psychological pattern. She mistrusted him each time she would see him enjoying communicating with another woman, and him getting angry, shutting down and withdrawing when she would express it. Interestingly, they both believed for a long time that it was the other that needed to change to resolve this frequently repeating "difficult" situation.

In a conversation we had, it took some time for them to acknowledge all their feelings and to see that each one of them was co-creating this situation. She was igniting it by carrying a belief from her childhood "I'm not good enough" and thus comparing herself to any other woman he would be talking with, while he carried a fear to not be a good partner and eventually to be abandoned, because this is what already happened in his past. So, whenever her insecurity would kick in and she would start going after him questioning things, he would directly retreat to his trauma from the past fearing of not being a good partner for his beloved, and stopping to communicate out of fear to be abandoned.

I invited them to look into their own piece. For her - into her belief "I'm not good enough" and for him into his "fear of being abandoned".

I asked them a question: "What's needed for you to heal this part in yourself?"

The moment they shifted their focus to themselves and their own parts that were responsible for creating this pattern, the charge between them disappeared and they re-connected with each other.

This is just an example, a real life example, how we humans overlook our own part in co-creating certain undesirable situations in our relationships, believing it's the other that needs to change.

Take any relationship in your life where you are in a conflict or disconnection, first acknowledge all your feelings and then have an honest look what's your part in it. Take responsibility for taking care of that part in you and notice how your attitude towards another shifts.