I sometimes write posts as a response to questions I receive from people. This is one of those.

Many couples don't know what to do with triggers they encounter in a relationship. They run into a dead end by trying to resolve conflicts with each other on a mental level. As a result, they either suppress their feelings and enter a compromise, or close down in communication.

From my experience, it is very rare that we can resolve emotionally charged triggers and especially repetetive patterns on a mental level, i.e. by only talking about them.

Behind every trigger, there is a "should" and behind that "should" there is often an emotion. That emotion can be pain or anger or sadness or upset. It usually has its root in your past experience or in your conditioning.

We need to move the energy of this emotion through our system if we want to be free from the trigger by feeling and expressing it, while owning it as our process and not blaming another.

It can be done alone OR together with your partner.

Alone: 
Go into your emotion, fully give it space, cry it, scream it, haul like a wolf, allow your body to move the energy of this emotion, going through deeper layers that may arise and thus seeing the full scope of what this energy is telling you. Use supportive music for expressing your emotion if you want (it's optional). If expressing anger, feel free to scream into or hit a cushion. Go on until you are complete, which is usually experienced as space and peace.

Together:
Stand in front of each other (yes, better stand, not sit) and look into each other's eyes. One partner begins by expressing the emotion supporting him/herself with words "When you do..., I feel..." (for instance, "When you ignore me, I feel so pissed off"), focusing on the feeling and its full expression. The energy of expression travels not towards your partner in the attacking way, but sidewards - you can help it by moving your arms sidewords from up to down in circles. When one partner has gone 100% into expressing and feeling through the emotion and is complete, the other partner does the same. They continue until they are both complete. In this process of moving the emotional energy we can get a lot of insights into the depth of our triggers and patterns as well as resolve them.

Yes, it requires your courage to drop 'being right' and thinking that it's only your partner who needs to solve it, not you. It also requires your willingness to step into a vulnerable space risking your identity.

Use your triggers as fuel for becoming aware and free from them inside of you and for moving deeper in your relationship! 🔥